Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Waiting for an Invitation
Today, in a class of mine, I shared a story about my work and received an unsolicited piece of advice in return. What the advice was is unimportant, because the point is that I did not ask for any input. The person phrased it in terms of, "I'm just pointing this our because I'm worried for you and concerned about this for you." But did that change the way I felt? Nope. Because I had not asked his opinion, and yet out of concern, he gave it anyway. The thing is, this guy may very well be right. He might have told me exactly what I needed to hear. But I did not invite his opinion and I found his comment incredibly off-putting. He taught me very little but distanced our relationship very much. Truthfully, maybe I should have had ears that were more ready to hear. But I didn't. And the fact that I did not as was evidence of this. And one day, if things don't go well and I do need help and I do have ears to hear, I will remember him as the person who bugged me, and I would not choose him to go to for help if failure or frustration made me receptive. He treated me like his client, but I did not think of him as my counselor. I write this to remind myself that sometimes getting the truth out there is not whole point. Sometimes (even, most of the time?) teaching the other person through experience that you are a safe, loving, gracious place to come to so that they will come to you to ask ONCE they want input is a greater good than forcing our truth on someone who will not receive it and will just be annoyed by us. People who want to be clients invite in a counselor. Even Jesus usually waits to be invited to help or to save (Mark 10:51, Romans 10:13) - He doesn't muscle His way in. He teaches us through love and acceptance and grace that He is the one to come to when rock bottom makes us teachable and gives us ears to hear, when we finally are receptive to help because having to ask made us humble. I need to remember this lesson before I aim my counseling skills at everyone who shares his or her story with me.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Up In My Business
Whenever, something big happens in your life (marriage, baby, big trip, study abroad, new job...), people invariably ask the same question, and it isn't a very good one. "How was it?" It's a very well-intended question that is, I think, genuinely meant to express interest and care, but the truth is that there is no good answer to it. Actually, no. There is one really good (but crappy) answer to it. Fine. How was it? Fine. How is marriage? Fine. How is my new baby? Fine. How was my trip? My job? My day at school? Fine. We get what we pay for - the question "how was it?" is not great, so the answer is not great. But, if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, you will often come up with a pat response that you offer to everyone (so you can memorize it like a script and not blow your brains out having to tell the same stories over and over) that is not too long but is still a little more engaging and gives a few more details than a requisite minimum of "fine" (which invites no further conversation at all.) Well, I have done that with marriage. People have been asking me how it is and it has taken me three months but I now have my standard answer, and the best part of it is, it catches people off guard, which for me is extra credit. Here it is. When people ask me how marriage is, this is my new, very true, and very exciting answer.
It's good. (True.) It's different. (Extra true.) Don't get me wrong, I love it, and if I had it all to do over again, I would make the same choice again, which is my highest compliment for anything. But there is no more "me stuff" left. It's allllllll "we stuff." I don't mean that someone is there when you pee or shower or go for a run alone. I mean that someone is there, with his or her opinion, in all of your areas. People need to know going in that the biggest adjustment in marriage, at least to me, is that someone starts touching ALL of your stuff. All of a sudden, someone else's opinion is just as important as yours in all of the areas that used to be yours alone. Your money. Your apartment. Your future, where you live, what you buy, how much you save, how many vacations you take, how many kids you want, when to get a dog and what kind... All of your stuff. Their fingers are now in all of your stuff. All the time. And you have to let them. You used to be able to invite input and opinions from other people when you wanted, reject what you didn't like, and decide for yourself at the end of the day. But now, there is no more me stuff. There are no more areas where your opinion counts less than mine and I can say thank you but no thank you for your input. It's all our stuff now. Someone is now sticking their fingers in all of your stuff. Hear me. This is coming from a happily married person. My husband is terrific and kind. But if I could go back to my 17 year old self who was just starting to date, I would tell her this. You need to find someone who is attractive and funny and playful and kind. Who you enjoy and who loves you and treats you with respect. But more than any of that, you need to find someone of whom you think highly enough and whose opinion you respect enough that you want him impacting ALL of your stuff. Of whose choices and lifestyle do you highly enough that you won't mind his fingers being in all of your stuff. Because so many of those things, at first, are just there to ease our discomfort in the transition into letting someone else cram themselves into all of the things that we value. We all think about the silly things like washing the dishes and doing the laundry and working on the car. But those things are silly, easy, and simple. How much are we really affected by the way our dishes get washed? We look at silly, simple things like that and think that it'll be easy to meet in the middle and compromise, and we're perfect together! Well sure. Sure it's easy to be malleable and giving in an area that doesn't define you and won't affect you in 10 years. But it isn't about how you wash the dishes. It's about how you save for retirement. It isn't about how you do the vacuuming. It's about how your children are parented. It isn't about how you work on the car. It's about how your parents are prioritized around the holidays. We do not need to be confused by happy love and allow ourselves to think that because we have so much fun together and have learned how to work through a fight about picking a restaurant, we're meant to be. Whose opinion do you respect highly enough that you want them touching all of your stuff? That you won't mind that their opinion matters as much as your does when it comes to allocating YOUR paycheck or raising your kids? Whose thoughts and wisdom do you value that highly? Because it is fun, believe me, it is. But it's cuh-razy hard to pry open the rusty, creaky hinges on the up-til-now locked doors into all your business. And if the person you're with is so great and so fun and your best friend and no one has ever gotten you like this person and you're just deranged with happiness, but you don't respect their opinion highly enough to want them cramming their nose into all of your stuff? Don't marry them. Marriage is hard because relationships are hard. But for me, marriage is hard because it isn't easy to pry your fingers open from around the things you really prioritize and to let someone else start holding them too, especially if you were an independent single person.
Before you get married, ask yourself this: "Do I want this person's opinion on everything in my life?"
Of course, what I say to the people who ask is much shorter than all that.
It's good. (True.) It's different. (Extra true.) Don't get me wrong, I love it, and if I had it all to do over again, I would make the same choice again, which is my highest compliment for anything. But there is no more "me stuff" left. It's allllllll "we stuff." I don't mean that someone is there when you pee or shower or go for a run alone. I mean that someone is there, with his or her opinion, in all of your areas. People need to know going in that the biggest adjustment in marriage, at least to me, is that someone starts touching ALL of your stuff. All of a sudden, someone else's opinion is just as important as yours in all of the areas that used to be yours alone. Your money. Your apartment. Your future, where you live, what you buy, how much you save, how many vacations you take, how many kids you want, when to get a dog and what kind... All of your stuff. Their fingers are now in all of your stuff. All the time. And you have to let them. You used to be able to invite input and opinions from other people when you wanted, reject what you didn't like, and decide for yourself at the end of the day. But now, there is no more me stuff. There are no more areas where your opinion counts less than mine and I can say thank you but no thank you for your input. It's all our stuff now. Someone is now sticking their fingers in all of your stuff. Hear me. This is coming from a happily married person. My husband is terrific and kind. But if I could go back to my 17 year old self who was just starting to date, I would tell her this. You need to find someone who is attractive and funny and playful and kind. Who you enjoy and who loves you and treats you with respect. But more than any of that, you need to find someone of whom you think highly enough and whose opinion you respect enough that you want him impacting ALL of your stuff. Of whose choices and lifestyle do you highly enough that you won't mind his fingers being in all of your stuff. Because so many of those things, at first, are just there to ease our discomfort in the transition into letting someone else cram themselves into all of the things that we value. We all think about the silly things like washing the dishes and doing the laundry and working on the car. But those things are silly, easy, and simple. How much are we really affected by the way our dishes get washed? We look at silly, simple things like that and think that it'll be easy to meet in the middle and compromise, and we're perfect together! Well sure. Sure it's easy to be malleable and giving in an area that doesn't define you and won't affect you in 10 years. But it isn't about how you wash the dishes. It's about how you save for retirement. It isn't about how you do the vacuuming. It's about how your children are parented. It isn't about how you work on the car. It's about how your parents are prioritized around the holidays. We do not need to be confused by happy love and allow ourselves to think that because we have so much fun together and have learned how to work through a fight about picking a restaurant, we're meant to be. Whose opinion do you respect highly enough that you want them touching all of your stuff? That you won't mind that their opinion matters as much as your does when it comes to allocating YOUR paycheck or raising your kids? Whose thoughts and wisdom do you value that highly? Because it is fun, believe me, it is. But it's cuh-razy hard to pry open the rusty, creaky hinges on the up-til-now locked doors into all your business. And if the person you're with is so great and so fun and your best friend and no one has ever gotten you like this person and you're just deranged with happiness, but you don't respect their opinion highly enough to want them cramming their nose into all of your stuff? Don't marry them. Marriage is hard because relationships are hard. But for me, marriage is hard because it isn't easy to pry your fingers open from around the things you really prioritize and to let someone else start holding them too, especially if you were an independent single person.
Before you get married, ask yourself this: "Do I want this person's opinion on everything in my life?"
Of course, what I say to the people who ask is much shorter than all that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)