Your Anger Is About You

I just love this and it is so dead on


It’s About Me, Not You!


A test of character is the nature of our responses and reactions when we are under stress. What comes out of us is what is really in us. So when we hurt and hate, the source is internal not external. True, the trigger is often external to us. But the spark is not the cause of our explosions. The explosive material is already there waiting to happen. Therefore, whatever we are upset about is about us, not them, about me, not you. From this perspective, it is important that we own our own reactions and responses and stop blaming, shaming, criticizing, controlling, coercing, and withdrawing. When we take responsibility for our inner world, it increases the possibility others will be able to hear us non-defensively.



Here is the message to you, my partner, friend, acquaintance. Whatever I say to you is about me, even when I criticize, blame, condemn, or withdraw. I want you to hear my experience, what I feel, see, hear, need, and sense. Hat I am telling you is not about you even though it involves you.



My goal is to express myself, not expose you. I own my reactions to you. You do not make me feel, need, or experience. Whatever comes out of me is within me. You did not put it there. I sometimes tell you that you made me feel, think, or do. This expresses my helplessness and powerlessness, denial, rationalization, and projection. I am disowning myself. There are times that I don’t want to believe what is in me. It is easier to blame, shame, and accuse you than take responsibility for what I say, see, feel, and do.



I apologize to you for criticizing, condemning, expressing contempt, or withdrawing from you. At times, I believe that I am morally and emotionally superior to you. I recognize that when I yield to this temptation, I hurt both of us. I want to tell you my truth, to be real and authentic with you. Yet there are times that I focus on what I see to be your flaws and this obscures my own failings.



I am understanding that what you say, see, feel, and do triggers me. I am learning that our interaction brings to the surface that internal source of my troubled feelings. I invite you to help me look at my mess, my stuff. It would help me if you would be willing to acknowledge that you are the spark more than the source of my pain. When I over-react, empathize with me please. At that moment, I have not mad the connection between the triggering incident and my past losses, hurts, frustrations, disappointments. When I invite you to listen to my pain, the purpose is to understand my own reactions, not to attack or control you. I want to liberate myself from pain, not manipulate you into meeting my needs.






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