God's Agency

I think that often, very competent people get into a rut of thinking that they are so capable and are able to work so hard to make so many things happen, that this is the only available way of actually getting things done.

I was reminded recently of the opposite. I had to have a hard conversation with Coleton in which I had to ask for an apology that I felt I was owed. I was very nervous about it and I waited much longer than I should have to bring it up. When I finally did, not only did it go wonderfully, but he also said that God had been putting it on his heart for a while to bring up the same thing but that he'd been too nervous.

Now, I think it was a good and right thing for me to bring the topic up. I think that usually, God makes a way for us and we have to travel it. Our lives are shaped by choices and behaviors and movement and agency. I think this is definitely true.

However, I've noticed lately (and a light was really shown on it in this above instance) that I think of God as mostly passive. That the way things get done is that I do them and then He does or doesn't add His blessing. I've been thinking that it certainly matters whether or not God blesses my effort and that my success is a gift, but the core of the belief was that I had to get things moving or they wouldn't ever happen. This instance, however, reminded me that God is at work, all on His, own, without any of my help, to bring about powerful change and to make big things happen. I do think He values and uses human agency, but we shouldn't think (as I've been prone to) that that's all there is. I was hurting and needed healing and reconciliation, and I thought that that would never happen unless I made it happen. I do think that God used and valued my agency, but when C told me that God had been really laying this same topic on his heart to bring up, I realized that God had plans in the works to bring about this healing conversation that He knew I needed, even if I hadn't done anything to make it happen.

I needed to remember that sometimes it's very okay for our prayer to be: God, I really need this, and I don't have the resources or the energy or the ability right now to make it happen for myself or even to contribute to the project. I really need this thing, but it will only happen if you just make it happen and give it to me. I can't contribute anything and all I can be is hopeful and thankful.

This autonomous activity/agency of God was so dormant in my paradigm that when I started thinking about it recently, I was actually surprised. I had forgotten it so thoroughly that it had atrophied and I had forgotten that I ever knew it. I was both shocked and delighted.

I think we need to remember that, while our agency is a very big thing, it is not the only thing. God is working in big, mighty, powerful, active, present way to bring about both the things that He wants and the things that we need. We are allowed to rest in that sometimes (if not all the time), because I tend to stress when I think that the things I need will not happen if I don't get the ball rolling.