More Hugs Than Lectures

Coleton told me today about a youth kid of his who has a friend who used to be a strong Christian but now thinks it's "stupid." The two boys used to bond over the Bible and going to church, but now the friend is pulling away and isn't as interested. The boy asked Coleton what he could do to fix his friend and help him to turn back to Jesus.

This is not at all to undervalue this boy's question - a very compassionate and concerned question, if you ask me. But these were my thoughts as I worked through a possible answer.

As a disclaimer, let me say that is reaction is in some part (possibly a large part) born out of my own weakness at sharing my faith. I find the process of traditional "witnessing" so inorganic and interpersonally awkward that if the Bible weren't so clear about it, I would swear that it wasn't God's will for us to do it. Evangelism is my absolute weakest spiritual gift, so I own that my reaction is born out of this distaste.

However...

When I was in high school, we had a very religiously diverse class which included many Christians. Many of them were very passionate about sharing their faith in that well-intentioned but aggressive way of new firey Christians. It caused many fights, many debates, and many tears. I was good friends with a group of girls who weren't Christians. They were fun and funny and we liked each other, but I don't know that I ever shared my faith with them. They knew I was a Christian because I went to church but that was about it. I didn't invite them to church, they didn't invite me to bars. They didn't cause me to tumble, and I didn't bring them up. We just met where we were and enjoyed each other there. We knew we disagreed on many things, so we did things spiritually neutral things that we could agree on, like going out to dinner and spending the night. Long story short, our senior year, my closest friend from this group told me that they had made a list of all of the people the knew who were Christians who were also, as they said, "good people." I was one of the only ones on the list.

I don't think that this was to my credit. If anything, I had been overly timid in sharing my faith with them. But what resulted was that they felt like I had accepted them and not crammed faith down their throats and made myself off-putting. There are certainly times when we need to be brave and honest and urge people forward towards what is right. But there is also something very lovely about telling people that, as far as you're concerned, they are just fine where they are, you like them, and you don't need to them to be more like you or change. You'd just like to go to dinner because you think they're great, no change required.

There is an old story about a preacher who invited a homeless man to his church. The homeless man said that he would like to come but he didn't have any shoes. The preacher responded, that's okay, if you will come on Sunday, I won't wear shoes either.

It would have been incredibly kind and completely appropriate for the preacher to tell them man that he would buy him some shoes so that he would come to church. That would have been an incredibly kind thing to do. But within that is a subtle message that the homeless man is right - he does need to have shoes. There are standards. You do need to become more like me, but that's okay, I'll help you. There is something incredibly powerful about the message this preacher chose - you don't need to change. You don't need shoes. You don't have to meet a standard or be more like me. There is something very powerful and very wonderful (and very very much like Jesus) when we respond by joining people where they are rather than helping them to be more like we are.

I recently saw a study about why gay people usually tends towards more hedonistic communities rather than Christian communities. The study showed that people, given the choice, will almost always choose to join a group who makes them feel accepted rather than a group whose ideas and values they share. They don't come to churches because, by and large, we don't make them feel accepted. I think we fear that, if we accept someone and make them feel at home, they will think that their sin is okay. I think often, the only two options we see are to say that sin is fine or to openly condemn it. But I think that there is a very wonderful third option that Jesus often chose. I think that we can give ourselves the permission to enjoy people, accept people, get to know them, make them feel at home, and let them know they are loved without telling them that everything they are doing is fine.

I believe that the Bible is perfectly written and that it lacks nothing, but just personally, I wish that God had included a little more about what Jesus said when he had all those dinners with the prostitutes and tax collectors and sinners. He hung out with them and shared meals (which in their culture was a huge behavioral communication of equality). I wonder if he told them their sins were wrong. I wonder if he lectured them. I wonder if he preached. Or maybe, he just sat with them, not ignoring or permitting their sins, but rather just saying with his behavior, I like you, you are fine with me, you don't have to change for me to accept you. I think it's good for us to help one another change and grow and do better, but does this have to be the entrance fee for relationship? Or should that comes as a result of the loving, safe relationship that has already been built? As campy as it sounds, I think at those dinners, Jesus probably gave more hugs than lectures.

Often, I think we feel the need to debate and to argue and to sell Christ to non-believers. But when we argue, that person's natural position is defensive. They are arguing back. They are defending themselves. People are usually not very receptive to advice or to change in this state. When they are more receptive is when they are in pain and they ask and they want to know where they can get help because they need it.

Coleton's student asked what he could do make his friend turn back towards Jesus. I think this question reflects many of our hearts. I think that (like so many of my high school Christian classmates) we often feel the pressure to make people seekers. We feel like we need to make them want Jesus. But maybe we don't need to try to argue and push and make people into seekers. Maybe we need to be so gentle and kind and accepting and loving that we are the people they want to come to for comfort and help when God uses pain or hardship or sadness sin their lives to make them seekers.

I realize that many preachers would disagree and would say that my friends thought of me as a "good person" because I let them feel comfortable and didn't confront them with the truth, that the Gospel is uncomfortable, that discomfort will be a necessary by-product of sharing, and that we shouldn't avoid it. They would say that it is our job to share the truth, and if people find it off-putting, that that is the job of the Holy Spirit. And I really do get that. I am not truing to say that evangelism is bad. The lives of men like Ravi Zacharias and Billy Graham prove that so so many are in the Kingdom because of overt witnessing, and I certainly don't claim to have a better plan than those men. But maybe it is also okay to just let people know, wherever you are is fine. Change may come later, but whoever you are is just fine with me, you don't have to change for us to start a relationship. I think Jesus treats us that way...

One last story... I have recently started eating Uncrustables (these pre-made PB&J sandwiches that are to die for. Way better than regular PB&J you make yourself.) I bring one to work every morning. The first day, my boss asked me what it was. I told her it was an Uncrustable and that it was amazing. She then watched me bring one and enjoy it every day. Today, two weeks later, she came over and read the nutrition facts off the back and asked me where I got them. She wanted them because she had watched me love them. She was, if you will, a seeker of Uncrustables. I doubt that she would have been so receptive if I lectured her each morning about how she needed to get Uncrustables. What made her want them was not my debating her about how much better my Uncrustables are than her breakfast. What made her want them was that I answered her honestly when she asked me what they were, and that she then just watched me love them.

When commercials advertise a product on TV, is there a lecture on why you should have the product or a debate between two people who each feel differently about the product? No! Because people aren't responsive to that. What they show is people who love the product - who got it and are now thrilled. I don't mean to say that we are selling Jesus like a product. What I am saying though, is that maybe a new way to witness could be this... that we #1. get into a relationship with people where they trust us and know that we love them, and then #2. just love Jesus so dang much ourselves that people want Him because they watch how much were enjoying it.

When Jesus had those dinners with the prostitutes, the tax collectors, and the sinners, I don't know what went on, but my bet is that he didn't show up looking particularly clean cut, or stand behind a podium, or give them a talk on waiting until marriage or fair financial dealings. I bet he kissed those people on both cheeks and then plopped right down next to them for some dinner, drinks, and conversation. I bet he asked about their days. I bet he laughed at their jokes. I bet he got invited back because they all had such a stinkin good time. I bet he showed them that, to be in relationship with Him, they didn't have to meet a standard or a bar. (He was going to give them the bar for free anyway...) I bet He showed them that He wanted to have dinner with them and be their friend just exactly the way that they were, and I bet they loved Him for it.